Footy

WILL (21)

I won’t go to a bar again. Will made this promise to himself every few months. The most recent occasion had been just six weeks before, after his previous visit to the The Peel. Every time he picked up a bloke, he would feel guilty the next day. He knew his inability to keep away showed how weak he was, what a pathetic failure. No matter how much he enjoyed the sex, he had no easy way to deal with the toxic mix of guilt and desire he experienced.

Yet when he had caught sight of Sean, he had immediately forgotten his doubts. He had guessed from the stiff way Sean was standing that he had never been in a gay pub before. The mixture of toughness and vulnerability in Sean’s face intrigued him. The draw wasn’t just physical, though there was no denying that Sean was handsome, slim and muscular.

Will had a weakness for rough trade. Perhaps it was because he felt that what he did was unworthy, that he wasn't a real man. Real men didn't have sex with other men. Real men were heterosexual. But if you weren't a real man, you could compensate by being tough, by showing a macho front to the world. He never felt that he himself did it convincingly. It always felt to him that he was playing a game, that it was some kind of façade, that he was a fake and a fraud, and that everybody knew it or would discover it one day.

He knew that others probably played these rôles too. But with them, the illusion seemed more convincing. Sean looked like a real man. Tough. Manly. Together. Self-sufficient. To Will it seemed that if he could persuade such a paragon to love him, he would enjoy a vicarious sense of manliness, of validation and self-worth. When a masculine man was screwing him, Will could pretend that he was loved, and that his partner’s masculinity validated his own. Taking a dick deep inside him made him feel manlier, more real. He was far too intelligent not to see the irony in this—but it made no difference to how he behaved. It merely made him despise himself the more thoroughly.

He had almost given up with Sean right after he’d started talking to him. Sean had seemed distant and hostile. Even though this was part of the fantasy, part of what turned him on, Sean had seemed so antagonistic that Will had wondered why the other man was even in a gay pub. For a moment, a cold wash of fear had made his hair stand on end. Was Sean the kind of man who would let himself be picked up only to beat you up later? But when Will had looked into Sean’s eyes, he had seen a need and a vulnerability mirroring his own, and his fears had faded. He had sensed at once Sean's attraction to him, an attraction he seemed to feel despite himself. Sean’s latent aggression became a thrilling spice enhancing their rapport. The sexual thirst and restrained belligerence in Sean made him overwhelmingly desirable.

The surprise came only later, after Sean had fucked him and had gotten up to leave, wordlessly, his face sullen. Bitter at yet another heartless encounter, angry at Sean and sickened by his own needs, Will had rebuked him, and had been startled and touched by Sean's response.

He had known that he would have to be careful with Sean. He had seen how prickly he was. Yet the sex had been so good, and so fulfilled his needs that he just had to keep on trying. Sean’s allure was heightened by Will’s quick realization that the other man was much deeper and more complex than he seemed on the surface. It had been a long time since he had had real friends, and he desperately wanted Sean to be his friend. If he had thought about it, and he didn't, he would've realised that his relationship was harking back to a friendship he had had at school nearly twenty years before. Paul had lived across the street, two or three houses down. He’d been one of the top footy players at school, a swimmer, with broad shoulders and muscled arms even at sixteen—what the Americans call a jock. He had also been Will’s protector, without fussing or making it too obvious. They had been friends for three years. Afterwards Will would remember it as a halcyon time, the time when he had no doubts, when he wasn't lonely, when he had been happy. Paul's family had moved away when Will was in year eleven. Will had never really been happy again.

He wasn't quite sure at what point his relationship with Sean mutated from one where they’d both been satisfied just to use the other to get off, to something much more akin to love and friendship. After they'd made love in Sean's loft, they seemed to have crossed the barrier which had been keeping them apart. Will had felt easy enough to smile at Sean, to let some of his own frailty show. Sean’s unfeigned grin in exchange had made Will absurdly happy.

Sean’s interest and arousal when they had discussed butt sex had produced divided emotions in Will. At one level, Sean’s wanting to bottom made him less of a real man. On the other level, he was intensely stimulated by Sean’s desire, by the fact that he was a virgin, and that it would be Will who took his virginity.

Sean’s eagerness to make love in that way seemed endearing to him. Yet if Sean had wanted this on their first time, Will would have despised him, would have been turned off. He needed his men to be strong – if they needed him in return it was a sign of weakness and inadequacy. He wanted them to fuck him, not the other way round. For the first time with a man, with Sean, he didn’t care.

Once again, he didn’t consider what this signified, until it was much too late.

***

Sean found himself looking forward to the times when he and Will made love, though they didn’t happen anywhere near often enough for him. Will frequently seemed busy, or had meetings in the evening. It was rare that they could meet at the weekend, though Will would sometimes come over on Friday evening. Once a week, they met over lunch-hour at Will’s house. When he wasn’t with Will, he often thought of the other man, of what it felt to look down into his eyes as he climaxed and the pupils enlarged in pleasure. It was then that a wash of warm affection would course through him. Most men say “I love you” as they themselves crest. If Sean had been the sort of man who said something like that aloud, he would have said it not when the ecstasy gripped him, but when he saw pleasure in his partner’s face, when he felt Will judder and groan as he came.

“I’d still like to try it,” he said, as they lay together companionably after one of their rare Saturday afternoon rendezvous. The May light was thin and wintry, but to Sean it seemed magical and perfect. It was cold outside, and instead of being on top of the bedclothes, they were wrapped up in them, the snug togetherness perfectly complementing their mood.

“What?” Will’s head was right next to Sean’s. He spoke softly, the softness making it more intimate.

“Having you do me.”

Will nibbled Sean’s ear, and ran his tongue down Sean’s neck. “OK. Now?”

Sean nodded into Will’s hair.

Will traced a line down Sean’s neck with his fingers and then his tongue and lips. He circled Sean’s nipples with his mouth and his teeth. Sean’s nipples were sore from their earlier love-making. Sean didn’t care. He grunted in appreciation. Will moved further down his body, and took Sean’s dick into his mouth. It was already as hard as if Sean hadn’t just come. Will tasted Sean’s jism from his previous orgasm, sweet and savory. He gently bit Sean’s foreskin and sucked his way down the shaft. Sean arched his back, making inarticulate groans. No matter how much sex he had with Will, he always wanted more.

Will scooted down till his head was between Sean’s legs. Sean moved his legs apart, and drew them up, to give Sean better access. He couldn’t believe it when he felt Will’s tongue lap down his butt-crack. “Oh, God!” he cried out. “Oh, Will, jeez, that’s so good.”

Will lifted his head to smile at him. His brown hair was tousled. His eyes were filled with fierce desire, but also with what Sean acknowledged for the first time as love.

His eyes shining, full of promise, Will said, softly, “It just gets better.”

When Will zeroed in on his butt-hole, Sean wasn’t repelled or revolted. Instead he was thrilled by the sensations that moved out from his ring through his body. Will relished Sean’s taste, rich and complex and musty. He momentarily stopped his assault on Sean’s hole and kissed him hard on the mouth. Sean could taste an enthralling mixture of himself and Will. He wanted to feel Will inside him. “Fuck me, Will, now, please, just do me. Will, I want to feel you in me.”

“Patience, mon vieux.” Sean found Will’s occasional lapse into French when they made love exotic and intolerably sexy. Will wrapped one arm round Sean, and began to stroke his cock with the other. His pushed his tongue deep into Sean’s butt, then pulled it out and lapped up and down Sean’s cleft. He put his tongue back into Sean’s hole, and then slid his wet index finger in, next to the tongue. With his other hand he scratched each of Sean’s nipples and then tweaked them. When Will began to massage Sean’s prostate with his finger, Sean arched his back in ecstasy, the sensations sweeping out from his cock and butt almost unendurable. He couldn't speak, able merely to grunt and groan. Will pulled his finger out and lifted his head, looking directly into Sean’s eyes. He slowly took the finger that had been inside Sean, and sucked it. His eyes were sparkling with lust and love.

“Fuckin’ hell, Will... Oh God, oh, this is soooo good.” Sean was writhing with impatience, with the need to climax.

“It still gets better.” As he spoke, Will licked another finger, and with his eyes still fixed on Sean’s, he pushed them into Sean’s ring. He wiggled his fingers around inside Sean, and Sean felt even more intense sensations, so strong it was if his whole body was wracked with pleasure. Will pulled his fingers out of Sean, and sucked them, his eyes never leaving Sean’s face, his other hand never letting go of Sean’s cock. He slid the fingers in again, and pressed harder against Sean’s prostate. He slid his fingers in and out, and then lowered his head, and Sean felt, impossibly, Will’s tongue slide between his fingers into him. Will pulled the fingers out, and again put them into his mouth, his eyes locked onto Sean’s. Still keeping his gaze on Sean’s face, he slowly slid the wet fingers back into Sean. Then he pulled them out just as slowly and pushed them back in.

They were unable to take their eyes off each other. The world was hushed. They were as if alone in Paradise, their connection, their love and desire linking them and excluding all else. Sean felt Will’s fingers rub his prostate, and once again was washed with pleasure. Will took the bottle of lube, and slicked up his fingers, and pushed them even deeper into Sean’s body. He leaned forward and kissed Sean deeply, his tongue pushing into Sean’s mouth.

Will rolled a cock-jacket onto himself. He was completely hard. He moved his head down from Sean’s mouth and bit the inside of the other man’s thighs. Then, slowly, his eyes fixed on Sean’s face, he pressed his cock against Sean’s ring. Very slowly, very gently, he pushed it in a little. Sean wanted him to thrust right in, deeply, but when he tried to impale himself on Will, the other man pulled back, the warm toffee of his eyes filled with affection. “Patience, love.” Neither noticed the ‘love’. Will pushed in again, his hands holding Sean’s hips, roaming over his body, squeezing his nipples. He pulled back again, and then pushed in, slowly stretching Sean open.

“Push out your abdomen,” he said to Sean.

“Like this?” As Sean raised his abdominal muscles, Will entered him, sliding deep into him, until his body was flush against Sean’s. Sean had half expected it to hurt. It didn’t. It just felt utterly right and perfect. Sean wrapped his legs around Will’s waist. Will smiled down at him, his smile fierce, possessive, loving. He stroked Sean’s dick until he was sure that the other man was easy with the hard fatness inside him. With his other hand, he reached up and tweaked Sean’s nipples. He bent forward and kissed Sean deeply, still not moving inside Sean’s butt-hole. He wanted to thrust into the other man, to bam vigorously into him until they had both come. But he restrained himself. Sean’s first time had to be right. Will lifted his head up, and they stared at each other for many, many heartbeats, before he began to move slowly in and out. Just a little at first, then harder. Then he began to pull his cock all the way out, and push it all the way back in, aiming directly for Sean’s prostate, while he teased Sean’s nipples.

Sean’s head was whipping from side to side. He was groaning incoherently. His skin was flushed scarlet, his body glistening with sweat.

Will was gripping Sean’s hips hard as his thrusts intensified. “Come for me, love,” he said, his voice low, urgent, compelling.

It was enough for Sean. Awash with sensation, he had the most intense orgasm he had ever experienced, so intense it seemed a close cousin to pain, wave after wave of unbelievable pleasure filling his body, not just his dick and his arse—his entire essence thrummed with an exquisite bliss, a sensation so powerful his vision blurred and he saw stars. Unable to stop himself, he clamped down hard on Will’s cock, as Will accelerated his thrusts, and he was rewarded by seeing Will’s eyes darken from toffee to chocolate as he came.

They lay there panting, slick with fluids. Will’s dick slipped out of Sean. He lay down next to him, and snuggled close. “Did I hurt you?”

“A little while you were fucking me. It aches now.” To Sean this ache was entirely satisfying, a proof of love, a memento of the closeness and pleasure they’d shared, a perfect reminder of a level of intimacy he’d never thought possible with a man. For the first time in his life, he was completely relaxed with another person. He had never known what it felt like to trust someone absolutely before. It scared and elated him.

Will, too, was happy. Sean had his arms around him, in an embrace that seemed natural, which told stronger than words what Sean felt about him. It seemed to him that Sean and he were connected. To give Sean pleasure had become his major object in their interaction. It had become more important than his own climax. The primal need to have a man fuck him, dominate him, had gone. Will knew he was in love. But he didn’t say anything. He didn’t want to scare Sean away.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled.

Sean tightened his grip round Will. “No, it was good, Will. I didn’t know. No wonder you like it. I had no idea. That was, jeez, that was the most sensational fuck I ever had. You star.”

Unexpectedly, Will’s eyes filled with tears.

“What?” asked Sean, anxiously.

“Nothing.” Will forced a smile. “I’m good.”

They lay quietly together for a few moments.

“Does it hurt when I do you?” The concern in Sean’s voice warmed Will’s heart.

“No,” Will lied. Sometimes it did hurt, when they were so intent on getting together that Sean didn’t prep him properly. But the twinges as he walked afterwards were powerfully erotic and satisfying.

Will knew that he was living in a fool’s paradise, and that there would inevitably be disaster. But he prayed to the God he believed hated him, and despised his kind, the God who had made him as he was, only, it seemed, to punish him, just to let them have this time together. In his mind he promised that he would not repine when it ended. He knew somewhere inside himself that this was rubbish, that he would be broken when it all came out, but he preferred to permit himself this self-deception rather than face up to the bleakness now.

<<Chapter 20

© 2009 Nigel Puerasch. All rights reserved.
Romantic m2m novels and short stories